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The Surface

2008-02-01 16:17:18 by zalecot

This is the first page of my book

The surface

Chapter one: Prison

"Why am I here?" Is the question I ask myself everyday in this horrible place. Then I remind myself of that day everything changed in my life. It was almost 10 years ago when she died. We were meant to be married, but the night before the wedding everything changed. I had left her for only a moment to go and check on the festivities. When I came to the place were the ceremony was to take place something was wrong no one was there it was completely empty devoid of life except for one thing one of the creatures we call them Arconds. The horrible little insect mandibles moving madly to put something into its gapping hole of a mouth it was a hand and on the back of the hand was the insignia of the warrior every man in the army had this mark on him to distinguish himself from the public. I new this mark well my own hand had had this mark on it ever since I was a small child and I had been taken away from my mother to be a solider. I reached for my knife, which I kept with me always. At the moment it saw me reach for my weapon the monster leaped at me I grabbed the creature and killed it immediately before it could utter a cry for help. If I hadn't a hundred would have come and killed me.
Because where there is one of those things there is always more. I raced back to my home to check on my love only to find her they're lying in a pool of her own blood. I broke down weeping, but there was no time for crying I had to kill those creatures that had murdered my love. I went to my armory and grabbed my armor and my sword I had to kill them I had to destroy them. I was blind with anger I wasn't thinking strait. I went outside in such a rage. I ran through the street, then I saw a group of the little creatures swarming over a body, but there was something horribly wrong with this picture two of our own men high ranking officials by the look of them were standing next to them not only were they not trying o fight them, but the creatures were not trying to kill them. They saw me and they yelled at the pile of creatures then the strangest thing off all happened thy left their kill and started to come my way. I started to run from them knowing I would be killed me if they caught up. I ran through the city trying to get away from them then I saw it the market it was still filled with people salvation there would be more solders there to help me kill these things.
When I ran into the crowd yelling of the Arconds the people began to panic. The soldiers drew there swords and got ready for the fight, but when I looked back into the street they were gone seemed to have vanished into thin air. The people started to calm down seeing there were no creatures and looking at me with scolding looks and the guards came over to me telling me to go home saying there

i will post more pages as i write them


Comments

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Crazy-DorsyCrazy-Dorsy

2008-02-01 17:04:47

Too long, can't be arsed reading it, sorry... I'll just assume it's good and congatulate you now...
Good work!

zalecot responds:

lol well thank u fro the random congratz


BennyboymckBennyboymck

2008-02-01 17:26:27

This is going to get good!


urbnurbn

2008-02-13 19:39:33

Wall of text makes for bad internet reading.

Also, from a glance I can see you spelt "straight", "strait" which isn't right in the context it's used.

Also, you have (again, from a glance) mostly short sentences. This isn't good either, if you don't know the true purpose of a semi-colon or a hyphen, then you shouldn't try getting into writting.

The last thing I'll say (or two things for that matter), is this block:

"When I came to the place were the ceremony was to take place something was wrong no one was there it was completely empty devoid of life except for one thing one of the creatures we call them Arconds. The horrible little insect mandibles moving madly to put something into its gapping hole of a mouth it was a hand and on the back of the hand was the insignia of the warrior every man in the army had this mark on him to distinguish himself from the public."

It's just completely wrong... You've made it far too obvious what is wrong, then overly described the "Arconds" by using horrible, little, insect, moving madly and gapping (poor word in, and of itself) all in one sentence. You have also not used a comma at all and used "and" in "...was a hand and on the..." terribly.

Here's a better way to put it (although, it doesn't make complete sense with the words you decided to use):

"It moved erratically forcing something between it's jaws, at first I did not notice, then suddenly I realised what it was... It was a hand. A human hand. I noticed the distinct insignia of the warrior. Every soldier had this mark; it's purpose was to distinguish himself from civilians."

Hope I helped, and good luck with future writings.
(Also, sorry for not reading the rest, it really is just to much).


RobertTaylorRobertTaylor

2008-02-17 04:53:14

simply awsome, just awsome [cant be bother reading it] just superbe, bravo. make more :3


SeggiSeggi

2008-03-01 02:19:05

read about half of it, don't really know what it was about, but it didn't seem to be terribly well written. Since i don't know how old you are, i'm not gonna judge too harshly, but i didn't really like it. The thing about internet writing is it has to be well written otherwise i just can't get into it (probably because reading large pieces of text off a screen wrecks your eyes to shit). I'll assume that you're interested in creative writing, so i'll say that you could be good, as most people i know that can write half-decently started out with stuff like this. My main criticism would either be that you just didn't use commas, ands or other sentence-connectors(?) very well, or that you didn't seem too interested in describing the environment or situation of the character(s) and you just rushed right into the next scene.

Also, since this was posted on Feb. 1, and it's pretty much March, have you lost interest, given up or just not posted the rest on NG yet?


SeggiSeggi

2008-03-01 02:20:25

looking back, it looks like i judged pretty hrashly, which i said i wasn't going to do... sorry, i just get forgetful sometimes.


mdeeseemdeesee

2008-03-17 22:57:55

Hey! We are starting a new crew, similar to T3H PARTY! We were curious if you would like to join us in having some fun, chatting, meeting new people, and generally strengthening your Newgrounds Comradery!

If you want to come chat with us on our forums, the URL is http://magicaldeathcock.freehostia.co m just copy+paste that into your Browser and make sure there are no spaces where there shouldn't be lolz! =P

Take care!

-MDC Discussion Crew


crisis105crisis105

2008-03-26 15:41:10

u r a baby


Mz-frost95-frMz-frost95-fr

2008-07-29 20:46:54

Sounds good man xD

Few grammatical and punctual errors but its okay.

I made a story once. It was 27 pages long.

I wrote it for as a class assignment. I never even got it back =[


xXxAlecxXxxXxAlecxXx

2008-09-29 23:28:37

*High Five*!


mariomusicmaker1mariomusicmaker1

2008-10-26 12:29:51

needs more adjectives, sentience structure is poor.


OdioOdio

2008-10-26 14:23:46

I love you.


DepswaDepswa

2009-01-02 15:02:42

faggot ass n****r bitch ill fuckin beat your ass you little jew punk come ill take you down you bitch you faggot i bet you suck your dads cock because your such a huge faggot ass bitch yeah thats right fagggot im fucking talking to you bitch yhou a little bitch faggot you cant do shit faggot ill kick your ass and fuck your mother and have sex with your fuckin grandmother you pussy ass bitch faggot


ILL-KILL-YOU-TOOILL-KILL-YOU-TOO

2009-01-13 22:22:13

OMG AN EMU and its black